Single? Unattached? Celebrating Valentine’s Day? Yes, You Are.

Posted on by Lauren Millman
I am my own Valentine

It’s coming. Again. And every year, there are people who look forward to Valentine’s Day, and some who don’t. It’s nice if you have a special someone to share the day or evening with, and for some, not so nice if you don’t. This year, if you’re someone special who doesn’t have a special someone to share the day with, don’t fret. I’m here to tell you, you do.

Yes, you do. YOU!  Let’s face it, we get so caught up in the have to’s, the must do’s, and the should’s, that we cause and create much stress and anxiety for ourselves, all the while trying to find the balance in the rat race of work, life and finding love. But you’ve forgotten one thing, one very important thing. Yourself. How can you love someone, and how can someone love you, when you’ve forgotten to love yourself?

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the pressure-cooker of dates and finding love that the media and marketers have cooked it up to be. This year, if you find yourself flying solo, embrace it. Sometimes things are the way they are, for you. Sometimes, in unwanted situations, there’s a gift, and here, on this day, the gift may just be the gift of being able to give to yourself. You love yourself, right? You deserve some personal TLC from none other, than yours truly…YOU.

No victims here. Enjoy the day. Make it an event. You’re incredible. Special. A very important person. Give to yourself. Treat yourself. This can be your special day. Get together with friends. See a movie, grab a bite, or stay in and get cozy with your favourite meal and a great movie. We never seem to get enough “me -time” anyway. Have fun, enjoy, but also spend some quiet time with yourself, to think, reflect, re-group, and re-evaluate. Growth and clarity often comes when we spend that quiet and meaningful time with ourselves, and this is my wish for you. You are empowered to think any way you choose, and to live any way you choose. Live it well, and enjoy YOU! Happy Valentine’s Day You!

 

Lauren xo

www.laurenmillman.com    Tel: 416-576-5881

 

 

How Closed Is Your Box?

Posted on by Lauren Millman

 

Adam and Eve had it good. Adam was lucky because he didn’t have to search far and wide. Eve was lucky because for Adam, she was a the right place at the right time, and she didn’t have to search far and wide either. Times have changed though, and meeting other eligibles isn’t so easy, but it can be a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

Thursday night date night, either with that special someone, or even your girls or guys, your group. You’ve decided to go to one of your favourite spots, because the last time, you had a great time. You love the place, and the people are great. And, you’re single, and you’ve always got one eye on the scenery, just-in-case, right? Sure. I remember those days. I had this one friend, and whenever we went out, she’d always be thinking, in the back of her mind who might she meet tonight. I know this because I remember her telling me. She didn’t want to meet strangers per se, but would be curious about who she may recognize and strike a connection with, or who might one of our friends bring along that’s “new.” That never happened. And if it did, that person really wasn’t “new”, they just hadn’t been out with us for a long time and chances were, she interested in them in the first place, so nothing ever happened for her when we did go out. Does this sound familiar?

As human beings, this is what we do. We’re great adherers of the “herd” mentality. We travel in groups and tend to repeat the same behaviours and go to the same place, and do the same things. Why? Because it’s what we learn to come to know. It’s familiar and comfortable. But when we’re single and “looking”, or ready to meet someone, going to the same places with the same people, time after time, only produces the same result; not much of anything. You end up having a nice time, but you’re not meeting anyone new. You just end up going to the same place with the same crowd.

Yes, the more the merrier, but in going to same places all the time, you may find that although you’re having a nice time, it’s the same old, same old. Time to step outside of the box, and think new, think different. Your hit rate here is about, oh, 100%. Go somewhere new. Go with people you don’t usually go out with. You’re guaranteed to at least see new people, if not meet new people. Stepping out of what’s comfortable not only exposes you to new, but exposes everyone else to new too, and, it builds character and confidence.  It’s win-win.

Change is difficult for most of us. But once tried, you may see that stepping out of your box brings new experiences, new people, and a new outlook too!

Lauren XO

 

 

 

 

Accessorize. Accessorize. Accessorize. Ladies, this one’s for you.

Posted on by Lauren Millman

You’ve got a hot date coming up, and you’re on fire. This is the guy, and you want to look hot, irresistible, wanted. So what is a girl to do? Shop. Us girls can  certainly shop ’til we drop, especially when we want to impress someone. So, we go out, and buy….jewellery, new shoes, a great new top, a new lipstick….it’s endless. Here’s my question. Do you find yourself shopping a lot before a date? Or in anticipation for a date, or a get-together with other singles. Looked in the closet lately? Checked out your make-up drawer lately? Is is hard to choose because you just have so much stuff? Do you find that before every actual or pending event or date, you shop?

It may not all be about the buy, the date, the event, or the guy. If this sounds like you, you may not  be not buying for the big night. As a behaviourist, you may be buying to fill an emotional gap. Shoppers, eaters, and savers (mild hoarders) buy for several reasons. The two most common reasons are because there are emotional  issues that have not been resolved, and the second, to full fill one’s desire “to have”, to feel wanted and needed. The trouble with this is, the high doesn’t last, and once “the buy” is done, the high goes bye-bye.

Your success when dating, or being social, isn’t going to depend or hinge on how much adornment you’re wearing. Confidence and self-esteem are made from within. That guy, or anyone for that matter, isn’t going to be attracted or inspired by the “real” you because of your accessories. They’ll be intrigued and interested in you because of who you are, and who and what you’re projecting. Even though a great pair of heels, our favourite lipstick, or our favourite black tank can help us to feel more confident, the basis of that confidence and assured self-esteem can only from loving ourselves first, and being comfortable with who we are and where we are in life. Time to go find yourself, like yourself, love yourself, and be ok with why you see. If you’re not, look at yourself in the mirror, make-up off, and ask yourself….what do I like about myself, what do I not like about myself, and who do I really want to be. Once you’ve answered these questions, you’ll be more successful in whatever you do. Accessorize away, and get ready for that date.

Women want real men. Women want men to be themselves, and not fake or put-on, full of egocentricity and arrogance. These behaviours, by the way, are protective mechanisms, shielding the ego from rejection. That’s another article. The last thing you want is to wake up a few months down the road and realize the honeymoon period is suddenly over because you’re now experiencing the “real” guy.

Put your best, real self forward first. Don’t play games. I know, everyone does, but that doesn’t mean you have to as well. It only prolongs you from attracting the right people and finding those you want to be with, and who really want to be with you. Finding yourself, learning about who and what you are, what you stand for, what your okay and not okay with, knowing your triggers, weaknesses, strengths, wants and desires,  is achievable. Once you find yourself, you can find him. If this all feels overwhelming, it tells me you may have a bit of work to do. It’s for you, and for your future happiness. Take the time to know you, and like you, and everyone else, will follow. If you’re still stumped, let me know. I can help.

Lauren. XO

 

How To Date Jewish, And Be Good At It. Really, Really, Good.

Posted on by Lauren Millman
So, you want to date, mate, and live a good life? How do we do that, you ask?…With a goal in mind.
No, not to get laid. Not this time. Not now, not yet. Hold on there cowboy and cowgirl, that all comes later. Much later. This article is for those of you who are serious about dating, really serious, and who are truly interested in finding a partner. Easier said than done yes, so here are some guidelines from a Jewish mother who dated a lot back in the day, and found her beschert. There are rules of engagement though. And just so we’re clear,  a successful  date doesn’t mean you’ve scored. To have a successful date, and to be successful, means one thing, and one thing only; That you’ve been honest and true to yourself, because the only behaviour and choices we have control over, are our own. That,  is a successful date, and that is the place where you’ll find you had the best time, because, you, were you, the real you, and not the “you” you think the other person wants, or the you you’re afraid to be. That person always catches up with you and wrecks everything.

So, whether you’re looking for love, or looking for love again, here are 5 simple tips for dating jewish, and being really, really good at it. And remember the goal….to connect, and have a good time. No connection? Meh! It’s an open door for you to find the right. Just have fun with it and go with the flow. Here we go….

1. Know Who You Are. This may sound silly, but if you have no idea about who you are, what you’re about, and feel comfortable with yourself. Look in the mirror–this is a technique I often suggest to my clients to do if they’re feeling “lost”, or want to make some changes. This exercise is best done at night, when your defences are down, and you’re more relaxed. Spend a few minutes with  yourself just looking. And ladies, make sure the make-up is off. You must be looking at, and thinking about, the real you.

2. Know your Negotiables and Non-Negotiables. We all have them. Things that we’re willing to put up with and make concessions for, and things we’re not willing to put up. This exercise can be invaluable to everything you do in your life, but especially so when dating, because the worst thing is time-wasting when you’re looking for quality people to spend valuable time with.

3. Commit To The Commitment. This relates to #2. It’s not enough making a resolution or deciding upon something if you don’t make a concerted verbal and mental commitment to stick to your values, or your negotiables and non-negotiables. This may be the make-or-break part of your personality that will keep you going back to the wrong person. Stick to your guns. You can do it, if you really want to.

4. Leave Your Ego At Home.  Forget leaving it at the door–that’s still too close. Your date may be able to detect your ego before you finish your first sentence, and then the date’s over before it even began. You don’t need to impress anyone. This is why so many relationships end within the first year…because many  people put on airs, pretend to more than they are, and inflate themselves to look better or more desirable. That’s when the “honeymoon period” becomes a reality and you realize that your sweetie is really a nightmare in disguise. I’m not saying don’t look good. Quite the contrary. You may just want want to keep “Slick” at home.

5. Keep Your Expectations In Check. Go in committed to having a good time with you, and leave feeling good about yourself! We, ourselves, are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. No one else. So have a good time, be yourself, and everything else is icing on the cake.

6. Don’t Talk About Yourself Unless Asked. We’re all good talkers. Who doesn’t like talking about themselves? But when we’re dating, especially when it’s new, the very last thing the other person wants is to hear an endless stream of garble about themselves. When we’re interested in the other person, the way we show that is by being curious, asking questions, and showing interest. If you find yourself sitting across the table from someone speaking endlessly about themselves, ask yourself, how interested in me are they, as it would otherwise seem that they’re more interested in themselves and making themselves feel good. (That being the case, go talk to the mirror.)

7. Listen. Listening and hearing are different. We hear many things around us, but are we listening? Being an active listener means acknowledging and validating, and participating in the conversation. It’s a two-way street baby, so make sure you’re present, participating, and listening well.

8. There Are No Rules. Bottom line is, even the game players, at the end of the day, when they’re looking for the “right” person, (and not even necessarily Mrs. Right), want to call you. And they sit there too, chomping at the bit, waiting for the right time to call, following some silly code of rules. Well, who the heck made up those rules anyway. If they’re interested in you, he or she will be happy you called, period. So why wait. The true acid test in that is this–If you call sooner then later, and there’s no response in return, it’s all good, because the interest wasn’t there anyway. You’ve just found out sooner than later and that, is a gift, because now you can move on without wasting any un-due time.

Dating doesn’t have to be a game. That’s see-through, and most of us can see through that crap quick. Dating can be fun, as long as you go into it with a healthy outlook and a positive perspective.

Happy Dating!!!